Episode 15 - Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Happy New Year! Today we great the end of 2017 with the end of Cannon's Ninja Anthology trilogy. Unlike the first two, this one is bonkers.

Starring Lucinda Dickey and Sho Kosugi, Ninja 3 contains horror elements, dance movie elements, and action movie elements into one almost cohesive whole. None of the three actually mix, but they're all pretty inoffensive and make up for one entertaining package.

That said, it is the weakest of the three and will probably only be enjoyed by those who liked the first two. It still remains recommended, however.

Randy's Score: 3/5
JD's Score: 3/5


Up Next: Missing in Action

Episode 14 - The Exterminator 2 (1984)

*Note* Merry Christmas! We are sorry for delivering this a bit late than usual, but we hope it was worth the wait!


Four years after the surprise hit action film, Cannon releases a sequel. Is it as bad as the original? Listen as we discuss whether it holds up or not.

Regardless of how it compares, the film is also not very good. There aren't really any action scenes aside from the ending, the plot barely holds together, and the heavy editing works against the movie. This is not recommended, and it is clear why Cannon did not pursue this franchise further. There isn't really anything to build on.

There are far better action pieces from Cannon, including one coming very soon.

Randy's Score: 1/5
JD's Score: 2/5


Up Next: Ninja III: The Domination

Non-Cannon ~ Episode 4 - The Exterminator (1980)

This action movie was a surprise hit when it was first released in 1980. Before action movies took the scene by storm, vigilante movies like Dirty Harry and Death Wish were the thing to be. This one starred Robert Ginty as a Vietnam veteran who is pushed too far and decides to slaughter perps after they attack a friend of his.

To be frank, this movie is terrible. There is no plot and no central villain. Characters dip in and out of the story. The main character destroys any justification of his crusade out of the blue. The ending makes no sense. Nothing follows. The direction is pedestrian. The acting is atrocious.

Randy disliked it, but JD outright hated it more than any movie they have covered thus far. Find out why in this episode!

Randy's Score: 1/5
JD's Score: 1/5


Up Next: The Exterminator 2!

Episode 13 - Making the Grade (1984)

Cannon gives another go at the teen comedy genre. This one is a better effort than their previous, being a bit more confident in what it's doing, but it still carries some warts of its own. Not willing to commit to a dramedy or comedic direction ends up making it too long for a comedy and not very sharp for a dramedy. It is, however, held up by strong performances from the cast.

That said, you could do a lot worse than watch this to get an idea of what '80s teen comedies were really like.

Randy's Score: 2/5
JD's Score: 3/5


Up Next: The Exterminator

Episode 12 - Breakin' (1984)

Breakin' was a movie unlike any other that eventually became a template for films that made it like every other.

This is a dancing movie filled with break-dancing and old school hip hop. There's a pretty standard plot to go along with the then-new music. It was made to capitalize on the break-dancing trend at the time and was a big hit due to impeccable timing.

It also holds up surprisingly well. The music is great, the dancing is exciting, and the film oozes charm.

To hear out full impressions, listen to the full episode above.

Randy's Score: 3/5
JD's Score: 3/5


Up Next: Making the Grade!

Non-Cannon ~ Episode 3 - The Sword & The Sorcerer (1982)

This movie was a bit out of the norm for what we usually do. Normally we focus on Cannon and Cannon-like films, but Cannon didn't put out many Fantasy films. That said, the end result isn't too far off from what they would put out.

Released in 1982, this film was a surprising success considering its tiny budget. Audiences of the time were really hungry for genre movies, and this fit the bill. The Star Wars effect was still working for Fantasy and Sci-Fi films.

Unfortunately, as good a try as it is at a sword and sorcery flick, it doesn't quite come together at the end. To see what we thought, watch the episode above.

Randy's Score: 2/5
JD's Score: 3/5


Up Next: Breakin'

Episode 11 - Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

Only a ninja can stop a ninja.

This is the second of Cannon's ninja anthology series (starring Sho Kosugi) and is regularly regarded as the best. And it is. The action sequences are well directed, choreographed, and over the top, the hero is as strong as the villain, and the pacing is on the money. This is the movie that signified that Cannon was about to be action movie powerhouse, and it easily stacks with their more well known fare.

Cannon waited a bit longer than usual to capitalize on the ninja craze (a rarity for them), but it was worth the wait. Revenge of the Ninja is better than the already strong Enter the Ninja in every way. It is only a shame that Cannon gave their sequels as much time and care as they did with this one. Maybe things would have turned out different for them.

Fans of '80s action movies would do well to catch up on this formerly well-known action series. It is exactly what you're hoping it is. Ninja action movies do not get better than this.

Randy's Score: 3/5
JD's Score: 4/5


Up Next: The Sword & The Sorcerer

Episode 10 - House of the Long Shadows (1983)

Now for something a bit different.

This 1983 horror comedy stars quite the cast. Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, John Carradine, and Desi Arnaz Jr star as a group in a haunted mansion which might be more than it seems. What starts as a fairly typical horror movie twists and turns as it goes along to something unique be the end.

This film doesn't have the best reputation, though that might be because of the era it was released in. This is a sort of horror movie, or horror comedy, that isn't made anymore, so there is nothing modern to compare it to. As it is, this film was a delight and is recommended for those looking for a fun Sunday afternoon film to watch alone or in a group. You will not see anything like it from the likes of modern Hollywood.

And that is why we are doing this series in the first place.

Randy's Score: 3/5
JD's Score: 3/5


Up Next: Revenge of the Ninja!

Episode 9 - 10 to Midnight (1983)

Bronson is back! This time in a thriller cat and mouse game against a killer with a soul of blackness. Detectives Leo Kessler and Paul McAnn must work fast to track him down before it's too late. But how can you catch a killer that is always one step ahead of the law? They better hurry before the next murder strikes a bit too close to home.

Part thriller and part slasher movie, there are few films that strike such a fine balance as this film does and maintains tension throughout. However, it isn't all great as we find out in the episode. But it is another winner from Charles Bronson and director J. Lee Thompson.

Be sure to listen in to hear our full thoughts.

Randy's Score: 3/5
JD's Score: 3/5


Up Next: House of the Long Shadows!

Halloween Spectacular! (Non-Cannon - Episode 2)

Today we have a special Halloween edition of the show! Here in this extra long unedited episode we talk about three Halloween movies. Specifically the first three movies in the Halloween series. Why those three specifically? Tune in to find out.

Grab a bag of popcorn and a seat. This one's gonna take a while.

As a cliff notes version, here are our ratings for all three of the films.

Halloween

Randy's Score: 4/5

JD's Score: 4/5

Halloween II

Randy's Score: 3/5

JD's Score: 2/5

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Randy's Score: 3/5

JD's Score: 3/5

Up Next: Enter the Ninja!

Episode 8 - The Last American Virgin (1982)

A long time ago there was a genre of film called the teen sex comedy. It was about a bunch of horny teenagers trying and scheming to find a way to have sex with anything that moves. Before the advent of the internet, it was an intensely popular genre, and The Last American Virgin was one of the first of its kind. But it's not the best.

This is an update of the Israeli film Lemon Popsicle for a 1980s American audience. The performances are good, the soundtrack is excellent, and there is nothing outright terrible about the movie other than the execution.

Unfortunately, we just couldn't get into this one. Check the review to see why.

Randy's Score: 1/5
JD's Score: 2/5


Up Next: The Halloween Spectacular!

Episode 7 - Death Wish II (1982)

After last week's Non-Cannon premiere, we now walk into the sequel to Charles Bronson's '70s classic.

Death Wish II is a bit of a different film from the original. While the first film was a bit more of a commentary on crime and the state of civiliztion vs barbarity, Death Wish II is a straight up revenge flick. In this one, Paul Kersey is merely after those who killed and assaulted those he cared for. What ends up transpiring is more of a straight up action film than the original.

As it is, it's not as strong as the original, which we go into more in the episode itself. However, it is still solid and fun '80s entertainment.

Randy's Score: 3/5
JD's Score: 3/5


Up Next: The Last American Virgin

Non-Cannon ~ Episode 1 - Death Wish (1974)

*Apologies for the sound recording. There was a microphone issue*

The special surprise we teased from last week is here. From now on, the Cannon Cruisers will be running special episodes here and there featuring films not centered on Cannon films. We're doing it for two reasons. The first is that Cannon made many sequels to certain film series, but not the originators. The second is that we might sometimes feel like a break from the Cannon material and want to do something different. This week we tackle the original Death Wish.

We were quite impressed with this 70s classic as a film that (with Dirty Harry) helped lay the groundwork for the 80s action film, including the entries in the series that Cannon made. As a movie about a man who lost it all and fights to destroy what destroyed him, it is a fantastic film.

If you have not seen this movie yet, it is highly, highly recommended.

Randy's Score: 4/5
JD's Score: 5/5


Up Next: Death Wish II

Episode 6 - Hospital Massacre (1981)

Next up we have a horror film that goes by many names (X-Ray, Ward 13, and Be My Valentine, Or Else) but is primarily known as Hospital Massacre. Directed by Boaz Davidson, and starring Gay Austin, Den Surles, and Barbi Benton, this slasher film is by far the most over the top of any we have seen so far. The story is about a boy who was scorned for his Valentine's Day gift as a child then grows up to hunt the very girl who scorned him.

The bloody carnage begins on a Valentine's Day just like any other. Until out heroine is roped into a situation the spins out of control and bodies start to pile up.

We didn't care for this movie. But we didn't hate it quite as much as earlier slasher films like New Year's Evil, choosing to round our combined scores to 1.5/5. Still not good, but better than you would think.

Randy's score: 1/5
JD's score: 2/5


Next Week: Non-Cannon Death Wish (1974)

Episode 5 - Enter the Ninja (1981)

Finally, after four episodes, we come to our first good film.

This was the movie that set off the ninja craze of the 1980s, and one watch of it easily shows why. From the same director as The Apple (stunning as that may be) comes a well directed and acted action movie with impressive choreography, stunts, and moments that epitomize the lighter atmosphere of 1980s films.

Enter the Ninja is the first of Cannon's ninja anthology trilogy, and their first action movie altogether. The surprise success of this film would define the future direction of the company. But before we get there, we have a few more lesser films to get through.

This isn't one of them, however. If you are a fan of ninja movies, action films, or 80s cinema in general, you need to see this film. It is a great watch. Check the podcast to see our full reactions.

Randy's Score: 3/5
JD's Score: 4/5


Up Next: Hospital Massacre

Episode 4 - The Apple (1980)

After an unexpected delay, today we bring you our review of The Apple directed and written by Menahem Golan.

This film is a story about two new arrivals from the country who sign a deal with a totalitarian record label and end up absorbed into the tortured world of the music industry. We start as the begin their career at their first performance and end at the rapture as they are brought to heaven in a Rolls Royce. Yes, the movie is a (very) loose adaption of The Book of Genesis with songs written by someone you wouldn't expect.

If you haven't surmised by now, this film is awful. It is not awful on the same level as anything we have reviewed so far: those movies were competent and just not made very well. This was flawed on every level from conception to execution to acting to pacing to music and to the basic level of simple storytelling. The other movies were just bad films-- The Apple is legitimately one of the worst movies ever made. Listen to the full review to hear why.

Randy's Score: 1/5
JD's Score: 1/5


Up Next: Enter the Ninja

Episode 3 - New Year's Evil (1980)

*Due to unforeseen difficulties, The Apple will be delayed until next week. We apologize for the delay, but we will do an episode on it.*

This week we tackle a slasher film directed by Emmett Alston and screenplay by Leonard Neubauer entitled New Year's Evil. The story takes place on a New Year's Eve concert hosted by new wave/punk icon Blaze as she puts on a late night countdown celebration. Meanwhile, a murderer strikes and gives her a call afterwards. It seems he will kill a new victim every hour on the hour at the stroke of midnight as he travels through time zones to get to her. She will be the final victim.

Despite that convoluted explanation, this is a very simple movie. The killer is no mystery, the characters are completely flat, and the plot is nonsensical. For a slasher movies, the kills were terrible, and the suspense was entirely missing.

New Year's Evil is a slasher like Schizoid, but shares none of the earlier film's charm, attempts at characterization, or even a bit of ambition. This was easily the worst film we've reviewed so far.

Randy's Score: 1/5
JD's score: 1/5


Up next: The Apple (For real this time!)

Episode 2 - Dr Heckyl and Mr Hype (1980)

Sorry for the small delay. Randy got a bit sick so we didn't get posted in time. We'll try to be better about this in the future.

Anyway, Dr Heckyl and Mr Hype is a film written and directed by Charles B. Griffith released in 1980. It was a comedic take on Dr Jekyll and My Hyde starring Oliver Reed in the lead role who had previously played the character before. The main difference comes in the fact that this is a reversal of the roles from the original Robert Louis Stevenson tale.

The movie was, like Schizoid, written, produced, and directed in a pulp speed fashion, and like that movie it suffers for it. But it also isn't without merit. The last twenty minutes are ludicrous and would have benefited from the entire movie being like it, and there were a few standout jokes and performances: especially that of Oliver Reed in the title role.

But, at the end of the day, Cannon had not yet hit their groove yet. It would take a few more films to get there.

Randy's score: 1/5
JD's score: 2/5


Up next: New Year's Evil (The Apple was delayed one week)

Episode 1 - Schizoid (1980)

Schizoid, also known as Murder by Mail, is a horror film directed and written by David Paulsen. It was released on September 3rd in 1980, exactly 37 years ago to this date. We tried to time the release of this episode to commemorate its original release date.

If you wish to hear our full opinions on the movie, you can watch the episode above. Needless to say, it was an admirable attempt at a slasher film before the boom happened, angling itself more as a thriller than a mindless gore fest. There was actually more nudity than violence. The cast, especially Christopher Lloyd, was fairly well chosen for their roles, and especially given the tight deadline Cannon afforded David Paulsen to write and direct it.

For a first episode in this series, it ended up being a perfect starter in seeing both Cannon and many others in the beginnings of their "pulp speed" formula in getting films written, produced, and released, as quickly as possible. By that metric, it succeeds in all it wanted to do.

However, all in all, neither of us wound up enjoying it. As a slasher movie the kills were not very exciting, and as a thriller the mystery needed more mystique. As a film there's nothing technically wrong with it, but the writing could have used more time in the oven.

Randy's score: 1/5
JD's score: 2/5


Up next: Dr. Heckyl and Mr. Hype

Welcome to the Cannon Cruisers!

Hello, everyone, we're the Cannon Cruisers!

This is a project started by the two of us to explore a certain area of '80s cinema that often goes forgotten. Many people already talk about B-movies in either two ways: either they incessantly dump on them or they praise them to cartoonish heights. We aim to be a balance between the two extremes where we judge the movies on what they strive to do and how they turned out. To that end we are focused on the legendary '80s studio, Cannon Films, to center out project around.

But maybe we should go back to the beginning to see what exactly Cannon Films is, no?

Cannon Films was a movie studio started in 1967 by Dennis Friedland and Christopher C. Dewey on the back of softcore porn movies. In 1970, with the movie Joe starring Peter Boyle, Cannon began making its way into legitimate movie-making. They were known for their frugal budgets and fast pace, not getting tied up in the mucky mucks of Hollywood, and just getting on and making films.

It was a good plan, but the movies just weren’t there. By the late '70s, their $300,000 budgets weren’t enough to cover their losses. Cannon’s stock value dropped which allowed new owners to jump aboard. This is where out project begins.

In late 1979, Friedland and Dewey sold Cannon to Israeli cousins Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus for half a million dollars. The cousins kept the spirit of Cannon alive, but they began to branch out in the variety of different low budget films, leading to a movie library truly unlike any other out there. Cannon ended up defining the '80s in a surprisingly big way.

After years of mixed levels of success, Cannon closed its doors in 1994 after the split of Golan and Globus and several high profile bombs as a result of breaking their original credo. An era of film ended with Cannon and it’s never been quite the same.

This project is a tribute to that period in film history and how different it really was. We will be reviewing every theatrical movie from the 1980 film Schizoid (the first film that really exemplified the new style the cousins were going for) and up to the very end. Of course, at the end their final movies were released direct to video so we will break the rule for those. This is no mean feat: in 1986 alone Cannon put out 43 films. But there are many films neither of us has ever seen and have always wanted the excuse to do so. This project is the way to do so.

To get things off on the right foot, it’s important to understand one thing. This is meant as a fun tribute to Cannon films and 80s cinema. This is not ironic, or meant as an MST3K level mocking. This project is straightforward and honest. There are enough cynical and angry reviews out there to fill the Grand Canyon. We are doing this because we legitimately like these types of movies and want to judge them for what they’re attempting to do and maybe bring others into the fold.

Therefore, this will be our rating system:

5 Stars means the film excels at what it has attempted, is memorable, and the reviewer thoroughly enjoyed it.

4 Stars means the film was very enjoyable and a lot of fun, but comes just short of hitting full marks.

3 Stars means the film is solid. It has noticeable flaws, but its positive points balance it out.

2 Stars means the film is watchable. Everything else simply does not work. There may be a good point or two, but it simply does not hold together.

1 Stars means the film is entirely without entertainment value on any level. It should not be watched under any circumstance.

We will try to put out one review a week to see how far we can get. The only films being skipped are made for direct to video or TV productions. The only exceptions will be the last films on the list since they are the last the studio ever released. That is how the project will be done.

Why this way? Well, the 1980s are probably the most over hated and least understood decade in the Western world. It’s an easy decade to mock for its eccentricities and over the top style, but it was also the last sincere decade before irony and sarcasm washed good old fashioned fun away. Therefore, we want to be sincere back to it.

So join us every week as we cruise our way through the Cannon Film library. Whether you’re an old fan looking to revisit favorites, or a new one looking to get into it, there’s something for everyone.