Episode 4 - The Apple (1980)

After an unexpected delay, today we bring you our review of The Apple directed and written by Menahem Golan.

This film is a story about two new arrivals from the country who sign a deal with a totalitarian record label and end up absorbed into the tortured world of the music industry. We start as the begin their career at their first performance and end at the rapture as they are brought to heaven in a Rolls Royce. Yes, the movie is a (very) loose adaption of The Book of Genesis with songs written by someone you wouldn't expect.

If you haven't surmised by now, this film is awful. It is not awful on the same level as anything we have reviewed so far: those movies were competent and just not made very well. This was flawed on every level from conception to execution to acting to pacing to music and to the basic level of simple storytelling. The other movies were just bad films-- The Apple is legitimately one of the worst movies ever made. Listen to the full review to hear why.

Randy's Score: 1/5
JD's Score: 1/5


Up Next: Enter the Ninja

Episode 3 - New Year's Evil (1980)

*Due to unforeseen difficulties, The Apple will be delayed until next week. We apologize for the delay, but we will do an episode on it.*

This week we tackle a slasher film directed by Emmett Alston and screenplay by Leonard Neubauer entitled New Year's Evil. The story takes place on a New Year's Eve concert hosted by new wave/punk icon Blaze as she puts on a late night countdown celebration. Meanwhile, a murderer strikes and gives her a call afterwards. It seems he will kill a new victim every hour on the hour at the stroke of midnight as he travels through time zones to get to her. She will be the final victim.

Despite that convoluted explanation, this is a very simple movie. The killer is no mystery, the characters are completely flat, and the plot is nonsensical. For a slasher movies, the kills were terrible, and the suspense was entirely missing.

New Year's Evil is a slasher like Schizoid, but shares none of the earlier film's charm, attempts at characterization, or even a bit of ambition. This was easily the worst film we've reviewed so far.

Randy's Score: 1/5
JD's score: 1/5


Up next: The Apple (For real this time!)

Episode 2 - Dr Heckyl and Mr Hype (1980)

Sorry for the small delay. Randy got a bit sick so we didn't get posted in time. We'll try to be better about this in the future.

Anyway, Dr Heckyl and Mr Hype is a film written and directed by Charles B. Griffith released in 1980. It was a comedic take on Dr Jekyll and My Hyde starring Oliver Reed in the lead role who had previously played the character before. The main difference comes in the fact that this is a reversal of the roles from the original Robert Louis Stevenson tale.

The movie was, like Schizoid, written, produced, and directed in a pulp speed fashion, and like that movie it suffers for it. But it also isn't without merit. The last twenty minutes are ludicrous and would have benefited from the entire movie being like it, and there were a few standout jokes and performances: especially that of Oliver Reed in the title role.

But, at the end of the day, Cannon had not yet hit their groove yet. It would take a few more films to get there.

Randy's score: 1/5
JD's score: 2/5


Up next: New Year's Evil (The Apple was delayed one week)

Episode 1 - Schizoid (1980)

Schizoid, also known as Murder by Mail, is a horror film directed and written by David Paulsen. It was released on September 3rd in 1980, exactly 37 years ago to this date. We tried to time the release of this episode to commemorate its original release date.

If you wish to hear our full opinions on the movie, you can watch the episode above. Needless to say, it was an admirable attempt at a slasher film before the boom happened, angling itself more as a thriller than a mindless gore fest. There was actually more nudity than violence. The cast, especially Christopher Lloyd, was fairly well chosen for their roles, and especially given the tight deadline Cannon afforded David Paulsen to write and direct it.

For a first episode in this series, it ended up being a perfect starter in seeing both Cannon and many others in the beginnings of their "pulp speed" formula in getting films written, produced, and released, as quickly as possible. By that metric, it succeeds in all it wanted to do.

However, all in all, neither of us wound up enjoying it. As a slasher movie the kills were not very exciting, and as a thriller the mystery needed more mystique. As a film there's nothing technically wrong with it, but the writing could have used more time in the oven.

Randy's score: 1/5
JD's score: 2/5


Up next: Dr. Heckyl and Mr. Hype

Welcome to the Cannon Cruisers!

Hello, everyone, we're the Cannon Cruisers!

This is a project started by the two of us to explore a certain area of '80s cinema that often goes forgotten. Many people already talk about B-movies in either two ways: either they incessantly dump on them or they praise them to cartoonish heights. We aim to be a balance between the two extremes where we judge the movies on what they strive to do and how they turned out. To that end we are focused on the legendary '80s studio, Cannon Films, to center out project around.

But maybe we should go back to the beginning to see what exactly Cannon Films is, no?

Cannon Films was a movie studio started in 1967 by Dennis Friedland and Christopher C. Dewey on the back of softcore porn movies. In 1970, with the movie Joe starring Peter Boyle, Cannon began making its way into legitimate movie-making. They were known for their frugal budgets and fast pace, not getting tied up in the mucky mucks of Hollywood, and just getting on and making films.

It was a good plan, but the movies just weren’t there. By the late '70s, their $300,000 budgets weren’t enough to cover their losses. Cannon’s stock value dropped which allowed new owners to jump aboard. This is where out project begins.

In late 1979, Friedland and Dewey sold Cannon to Israeli cousins Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus for half a million dollars. The cousins kept the spirit of Cannon alive, but they began to branch out in the variety of different low budget films, leading to a movie library truly unlike any other out there. Cannon ended up defining the '80s in a surprisingly big way.

After years of mixed levels of success, Cannon closed its doors in 1994 after the split of Golan and Globus and several high profile bombs as a result of breaking their original credo. An era of film ended with Cannon and it’s never been quite the same.

This project is a tribute to that period in film history and how different it really was. We will be reviewing every theatrical movie from the 1980 film Schizoid (the first film that really exemplified the new style the cousins were going for) and up to the very end. Of course, at the end their final movies were released direct to video so we will break the rule for those. This is no mean feat: in 1986 alone Cannon put out 43 films. But there are many films neither of us has ever seen and have always wanted the excuse to do so. This project is the way to do so.

To get things off on the right foot, it’s important to understand one thing. This is meant as a fun tribute to Cannon films and 80s cinema. This is not ironic, or meant as an MST3K level mocking. This project is straightforward and honest. There are enough cynical and angry reviews out there to fill the Grand Canyon. We are doing this because we legitimately like these types of movies and want to judge them for what they’re attempting to do and maybe bring others into the fold.

Therefore, this will be our rating system:

5 Stars means the film excels at what it has attempted, is memorable, and the reviewer thoroughly enjoyed it.

4 Stars means the film was very enjoyable and a lot of fun, but comes just short of hitting full marks.

3 Stars means the film is solid. It has noticeable flaws, but its positive points balance it out.

2 Stars means the film is watchable. Everything else simply does not work. There may be a good point or two, but it simply does not hold together.

1 Stars means the film is entirely without entertainment value on any level. It should not be watched under any circumstance.

We will try to put out one review a week to see how far we can get. The only films being skipped are made for direct to video or TV productions. The only exceptions will be the last films on the list since they are the last the studio ever released. That is how the project will be done.

Why this way? Well, the 1980s are probably the most over hated and least understood decade in the Western world. It’s an easy decade to mock for its eccentricities and over the top style, but it was also the last sincere decade before irony and sarcasm washed good old fashioned fun away. Therefore, we want to be sincere back to it.

So join us every week as we cruise our way through the Cannon Film library. Whether you’re an old fan looking to revisit favorites, or a new one looking to get into it, there’s something for everyone.